Commitment: Where do you Stand?

Another lesson the horses helped me learn to embody

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I had a different topic planned for this, my first week back from vacation. A topic that flowed sequentially from my recent series of posts about my journey with horses and what I have learned from and with them. But since Tuesday of this week my thoughts have been consumed by a current situation that matters a lot to me, a situation that has led me to reflect deeply on commitment. On making, taking, being a stand for something. On leadership. And this is a topic that also flows from the story where I left off three weeks ago, the story of my first breakthrough in trust and communication with my master teacher Zara, the skinny gray Arabian mare then known as Jenny.

So letʻs talk about commitment.

When we are planning for our businesses, our careers, or our personal lives, we ask ourselves, or coaches ask us, about our dreams, our ambitions, our goals. We may even be tempted to view these, along with our New Years resolutions, as our commitments. But I would like to challenge that notion. A commitment is not something we make in our heads or by writing it in our planners or journals.

In a technical sense a commitment is precisely something we humans make with our words, with accepting a request or agreeing to fulfill a promise. We commit to an outcome with our declaration of the commitment to others, in our interaction with another person, or at least by declaring it to ourselves in a way that shifts something in us. And then we act on that commitment. Iʻll cook if you will wash dishes. I will go to college when I graduate. I am leaving this marriage. I can and will be there for you.

What a horse teaches us though is that commitment, even before we act on it, lives not in our words but in our bodies. Commitment lives in our relationships in an embodied way, not a conceptual way. Commitment is the heart of leadership. Commitment is the basis for trust, for being seen as trustworthy. We are inspired when we feel that level of commitment in another person. We may feel bored or skeptical or cynical or discouraged when we hear words of commitment but donʻt believe them. A horse reacts even more strongly to incongruity between our stated commitment and our embodiment. Let me unpack that a bit.

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Remember in this post about Falling I described a time when the horse I was riding simply planted its feet in front of a jump and I sailed over her head with the reins still in my hand? That was an example of her communicating she was fed up with me trying to micromanage or “jump for her.” But on other occasions, when I felt insecure about the height or configuration of a jump, or when my mind was simply elsewhere, horses have similarly refused or scooted out rather than gracefully popping over it. They were absolutely clear. I might have pointed us in the direction of the obstacle, but if I was not fully committed to going over it, neither were they.

On other occasions in Equine Guided Education sessions I have seen a mild mannered, solid horse become agitated or even aggressive when someone in their field is being incongruent. If you say one thing but feel another, if you pretend to be present but are hiding strong unresolved emotions behind your calm facade, you show up to the horse as the proverbial wolf in sheepʻs clothing. Trust is not possible when your words say one thing but your body, emotion, and energy are somewhere else.

On the other hand, a horse will trust me and accept my leadership even if I am scared, as long as I cop to it. Often our stands, if they matter, demand us to push out of our comfort zone. One of our favorite banners hanging in St Paulʻs Chapel in the months after 9-11 read: “Courage is fear that has said its prayers.” Fear is not incompatible with commitment. Quite the contrary is true. Commitment requires that we act without certainty of our success. We may ask others to share in our commitment to that future, however uncertain, and it is our truthfulness and courage, not our lack of fear, that may inspire them to join in that commitment.

And that declaration of commitment is the essential act of leadership.

My friend whose declaration this week inspired this post once had a moment of courage and connection with my horse Kūkūilama. His leadership stand this week does not surprise me.

I would be interested to hear from my readers about moments in your life when your fears said their prayers, or when you have been inspired to a new future by the commitment and stand of someone you admire and trust. Please take a moment to comment and be in conversation!