Reframing Goals and Bucket Lists

A prompt helped me to think sideways about what Iʻm In Search Of

Well this week I will be brief with my little italicized intro. Thank you from the top of the page and the bottom of my heart for reading. Feel free to hit the “like” button if you do like this. Or to subscribe (for free) if you have not already typed in your email address to receive my writing each Sunday.

Each of the past couple of weeks I thought yes this week I am ready to post the essay I drafted just before I went off In Search Of My Lost Voice. But this is not that belated essay. Not yet. Instead, again this week what I wrote the previous week opened the door to yet another unexplored path in my brain and I found myself off In Search Of whatever lies down that new trail. And so it continues…

I am beginning this essay on the day I released the one about being In Search Of My Creativity, which was really about turning off our overactive conscious minds long enough to let our subconscious wisdom speak. A different way of being In Search Of My Lost Voice. And simultaneously, another essay by Suleika Jaouad, whom Iʻd just quoted, landed in my inbox, with a brilliant prompt by Sky Banyes: write your “to feel” list instead of your “to do” list. Why do this? Because, Sky explains: I realized that the upstream of every “to-do” was actually a “to-feel”: useful, financially secure, loving, loved.

Ding ding ding ding ding - do you hear the bells going off in my head? Are any going off in yours? Mine are soooo loud you should be hearing them all the way wherever you stay! Punctuated by the sound of the slap on my forehead.

When I wrote about meeting Zara and finding my way to the positive revolution in horsemanship, I failed to mention that besides positive reinforcement dog training, I was also a new student and early adopter of the Appreciative Inquiry approach to consulting. This “AI” is likewise based on the findings of positive psychology. We ask people to envision a past event or a desired future and describe it to us in detail as if they were there…and then as listeners we pay attention less to the entire stream of words and more to what psychologists call their affect - the moments when they seem most engaged and alive.

Just like how the horse in an Equine Guided Education is not listening to your words, which are meaningless to her - she is simply reading your feelings and energy and coherence, responding with curiosity or empathy or disinterest or outright rejection or an opinion of her own. This might seem like a subtle distinction, but it is profound. Our personal bucket list focuses on places or experiences that ignite our passion or awe. Our professional and sometimes our personal goals, on the other hand, tend to be a list of “shoulds.” No wonder they are so hard to achieve. No wonder our addiction to achievement can leave us feeling exhausted rather than exhilarated, stressed and scared and even sometimes physically ill rather than energized for more.

At least mine can.

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But what if by writing my To Feel List, I drill down to what motivates my desire for achievement and find all I really want is to be authentically and deeply heard, seen, appreciated, valued?

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I have to back up and acknowledge that I am blessed with a marvelous life. What I feel every day, every day without exception, includes moments of joy, love, and wonder. I feel proud of achieving something with meaning. Most days there are also moments of frustration, flashes of anger or impatience. Sometimes there are acute and then lingering feelings of sadness or grief. After three decades of meditation practice, I finally experience these with enough non-attachment and equanimity to be open, present and available for the mystery of the next moment. Most days, anyway.

Before starting this essay I was laying on my back in an asana during my Sunday morning Zoom yoga class, which, being the last class of the month, was restorative as that is the Iyengar school tradition. The ideas in this post began to take shape as I held the pose for an extended time and my breathing softened. First came a stream of images of moments that delight me on a daily basis. The wave and smile of a neighbor. The view as I drive up the rise on Kohala Mountain Road, a view of grass-covered volcanic cinder cones above and sparkling ocean below. The cardinal couple who like to visit me, his feathers so red and hers so exquisitely subtle, sitting on the railing of my lanai and cocking their heads as they watch me through the window.

And in that moment they appeared. The cardinals, that is. I could see them as I looked out the sliding glass door next to my yoga mat, looking back in and discussing me. And I knew it was not a coincidence. The natural world and I have this kind of relationship. “Pay attention, you are on to something!”

My judging mind says that cardinals are an introduced species. And yet I take pleasure in their song and their color and their interest in me. I am an introduced species as well. And since I donʻt have access to ʻapapane or ʻiʻiwi, I allow my cardinal friends to remind me of the the brilliant red feathers treasured for the capes of aliʻi of old Hawaiʻi and provide a different route to examine my connection to place.

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Since I confessed last week that I am In Search Of reclaiming my young artistic self, I decided to do as Skyʻs prompt suggested, and sketch rather than just list my To Feels.

Here is what my compass of feeling looks like, at least for today:

Maybe I should have added a date/time stamp. It was a quiet summer Sunday, after all.

At the end of the day, I can pretty much boil my entire To Feel List down to one word: connection. I want to feel connected to myself, to feel a wholeness of mind-body-spirit. I want to feel connection with my horses, the magic of being part of a herd, the way on the best days we walk or ride as if one. I want to feel connected to individual friends near and far, making time to nurture those connections. I want to feel connected to Place and to a community that is connected to Place. Feeling connected is feeling alive.

As far as the implications of my To Feel list for my To Do List, wanting to feel connected means prioritizing relationships rather than achievements. Oh I will still set goals. I hold myself to high standards in my professional and personal life, and I am obsessed with learning which means I always have new goals in both familiar and new domains. But if those goals, or the means necessary to achieve them, donʻt give me the sense of connection and vitality that tells me I am on the right track, I hereby give myself permission to abandon or renegotiate them.

Do you have a To Feel List?

I would love to hear about yours. Or see your sketch. Itʻs just for conversational purposes, no commitment. Comments are welcome below (as are private messages).