To Whom Do We Belong?

People. Place. Herd? Community? Friends?

Mahalo for joining me. Over 600 of you, half of you at least opening this email each week, if not actually reading what I write. I am grateful beyond words for your presence in my life, however remote we may physically be. I hope you find it valuable to explore Belonging - what I have referred to as your “Place in the Herd” with me. Iʻm eager to find out where this exploration will lead.

It occurred to me that I need to begin by offering my distinction about “belonging” as I ask “to whom do we belong?”

I am writing about belonging that is distinct from demographics, the categories we check on a government survey or health care form. I mean belonging that is both automatic to us as humans, and not automatic in that it is a journey. Belonging that requires you to know yourself at level that is way beyond skin and body deep so you can share your deep gladness with the worldʻs deep hunger¹. This is not religious belonging in opposition to other beliefs; it is spiritual and collective belonging. By the fact of being born in a human body, we need others. The spiritually connected view is that we are here to serve others, to contribute to the whole as that is what makes us individually whole. That part is the embodied spiritual journey.

Belonging is about contribution not competition. Being a go-giver not a go-getter. Inclusion not exclusion. Defining “us” in a way that does not require naming others as not-us, as not deserving of the same standards of care and commitment. Belonging begins with curiosity and compassion as our fundamental orientation towards others; it does not fear difference.

Maybe thatʻs why I talk about place in the herd. One horse does not judge another by the ribbons won or not won by the other horse in a faraway arena. Ever. One horse does not reject another over their color or breed or birthplace. But each horse needs to trust that the others in the herd will look out for it as it sleeps, and that means being trustworthy in its commitment to the herd too. For a herd to survive, the ones who are in charge of finding water and forage will lead the entire herd equally to that abundance. Herd members move together as one in times of need, and play together in times of joy, all included. And a herd needs diversity to survive.

The metaphor only extends so far though. Many of us find ourselves searching for our herd, reconfiguring our herds, yearning for a herd to which we can belong. Over and over again.

And so I ask: To whom do you belong?

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As I keep reminding myself as much as I remind my readers, this Substack began as a literal memoir, the one They Keep Telling Me I Should Write. During the time frame about which I wrote (1992 - 1997), I went on a series of metaphorical and physical pilgrimages. Those were years of transformation, of emotional and spiritual growth. My herds shifted during those periods.

If you have been reading along from the beginning, you know I left Wall Street in 1994 without a job or clear destination, but returned to New York City in 1997 because meaningful work called, still in the world of finance and wealth. Then I moved back to Hawaiʻi in 2005 without a job or clear destination - but with welcome from what seemed to be a new herd. In other words, between times of pilgrimage, I repeatedly returned to the world of business, of capitalism, of striving. Of individualism, even as I sought the company of others wanting to bring Spirit or values or integrity into business. And also sought the company of others who would challenge me and force me to grow - because the world was and is still a place of suffering.

I now find myself with a real estate practice that is both rewarding and demanding; a clear sense of role or Purpose that is not the same as my “job”; and a strong feeling of simultaneously beginning again on a serious pilgrimage, a time of preparation and further transformation. Somehow I am supposed to take a new leap - into something truly different. I only feel confident I can because I know to whom (Place and People) I belong.

Do you feel like that? Like your personal journey just keeps ramping up? I thought I had it figured out at 38. Thirty years later, a couple of rounds later, here we go again!

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I know there are still folks who believe that he who dies with the most toys wins, the refrain we heard in the “greed is good” days on Wall Street. People who only want First Place. But biologically every human is born oriented towards something more “us” than “me”: to the family or community on which we depend. As adults, we yearn to find and live in our Place - not the image of our Place in the sense of what we sell on HGTV and in our real estate ads, our “place in paradise.” We yearn for a geographical Place and People where we can find a sense of belonging and Purpose. It reframes everything when we stop focusing on who has which toys. When we stop believing others have to lose so we can win. When we decide we win when we die knowing the collective, our Place and People, is better for us having lived. Whether or not we have a single toy to our name.

That is why I am acknowledging the point-counterpoint in the public discourse today. There is a new version of “greed is good,” a denial of the existence of externalities² and fundamental collective needs that require collective care.

The counterpoint is the theme to which I keep returning in these pages: community, herd, relationship. How virtual engagement with others should enhance, not replace, physical Place-based, face-to-face interactions. Thatʻs one of the lessons from horse wisdom - the way in which we humans cannot deny the messages we get from an equine observer even after decades or a lifetime of denial when human friends have made similar observations. To be grounded in reality, we need to engage with others through energy and body language and even touch - not just images on a screen. That is how we discern whether an assertion about us, others, the nature of being human or of the Universe, is a grounded assessment or a fantasy.

Photo by Rita Vicari on Unsplash

Others I follow here on Substack are also being drawn to pursue similar threads about Place and People. Over on Shangrilogs, Kelton Wright has launched a Chosen Places series. But what I really related to in her writing was this observation: “Friends are the people who show up when they’re in town. Community is who shows up regardless of who’s in town.”³

I need both. Friends from all phases of my life, even if we see one another infrequently. Friends hold my stories. Friends hold me accountable. Thank goodness for Facebook and FaceTime.

And I need Community - the people here who will show up always (and also embrace my Friends when theyʻre in town) and my communities of practice, of faith, of commitment.

I belong to them. To Friends and to Community. To this Place.

To whom do you belong?

1. Frederick Buechner: “The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet.”

2. This is the economist in me talking. My PhD dissertation dealt with environmental policy, as basic microeconomic theory acknowledges that there are effects created by economic transactions that are external to those involved (meaning, having impacts on third parties), and therefore markets are not efficient solutions.

3. Hereʻs the link to the entire essay Itʻs not friends, but itʻll do